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Time:05:25 pm
Current Mood:indescribableindescribable
i have all this work to do.... all this work...
but how am i going to do it? how can i ever get past right now? right this minute? this minute in which all i want to do is just fall on the floor & scream & cry & break things...
why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why?
I can't! I can't! I can't! I can't! I can't! I can't!
You have to... you have to... you have to.....

I can't stand this! I can't take this!!!! Everything inside of me is screaming out... hair ripping, teeth gnashing, fists pounding. I want to let it all out. I want to just pour it all out of me before it devours me whole... rips me apart. But I can't.

So I dress it up pretty... with lipstick & diamonds, hair - perfection, outfit - flawless... & I walk out the door with this phoney smile, neatly curled eyelashes hiding the emptiness inside. Lovely red blouse consealing the hole in my heart.

And another wave comes, & I think this time I won't be strong enough, this time I won't be able to hold it back. And I find a quiet corner & let a little seep out. Silent, angry tears... long, mournful cries. And I clench my fists, & I clench my teeth & I screeeeeeeam....... on the inside. And I dry my eyes, & I wipe my nose, & I return to the world once more.

God... I know I can do this. I know that I always survive every damned ridiculous thing you throw at me... but why? Why this? Why now? Why the one last little glimmer of hope & happiness? Why the one thing that made me feel alive? Why??? If this is what you really want. If this is what you'll have me do. Ok. I'll do it. I just wish you would give me some sort of light to help me find my way...
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Current Music:KAOS 95.9
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Subject:Don't judge me, I only speak what's true
Time:08:06 pm
Current Mood:morosemorose
I wish I had never had children. It is unfair to them. All I have done is fail them at every turn. The best thing I ever did for my first child was to let him go. The life he has with his father as his primary custodian far exceeds anything I could ever or will ever be able to offer him. Unfortunately for my youngest, I am all he has. His father is even more pathetic than I am, if you can imagine such a thing. My poor baby... he'll never have the things in life he deserves, including real parents who are whole & present & attentive to his life.

I know in my heart of hearts that I will not be able to live like this for the rest of my life. I know that one day I will finally put an end to it all, but I know that day is not today... it's not even close. Because as pathetic of an excuse for a mother as I am, I really am all he has. I just wish I knew how to go on day to day.
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Subject:Adderall
Time:08:17 am
Well, after getting off to a somewhat rocky (if not downright insane) start, I am now back on the Adderall & quite happy about it. My creativity & drive & ambition are all beginning to rear their heads again. I feel like ME again! There is SO much I want to say & need to say... especially now that I feel that I can finally articulate it. But, alas, I am at work & my co-workers will be arriving soon, so I suppose I should really get busy.

This little post shall serve as a reminder to me to write what I want to write when I get home...
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Subject:Too much
Time:10:56 pm
Current Mood:morosemorose
Oh god... please make it stop. All of it. Please! I just can't take this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I am so completely & utterly alone & it's more than I can bare.

I am just shutting down. Giving up. Giving in.

Maybe if I sit here long enough I will become one with this chair & I will fade away into nothingness. I'm quite sure that no one would even notice.

I don't want my child to grow up to be like me, yet I can't seem to muster the will to just get up off my ass long enough to show him that there is another way to be! WHY???

What is this? This brain I've been cursed with? What is this fucking luck I have to be born like this? Why me, god? Why? What did I do to piss you off? Why was I not even given a fighting chance? Is it just some sort of cosmic lotto? Did I just draw the short stick? I just don't get it!

Tired of lying. Tired of hiding. Tired of living. Tired of breathing....

Is there no hope for me?
I think I already have my answer.
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Time:04:36 pm
Current Mood:FUCKED!
you know what?

fuck it!
fuck it, fuck it, fuck it....

tired of trying, tired of fighting, tired caring. i know this money in my savings acct is for my move, but i'm gonna have to take a little out. i don't know what's in these envelopes, but they are both addressed to paul & one is from an attorney & the other is from the department of justice.

i'm gonna go file for divorce. i don't care if he doesn't like that idea. he lives in the goddam basement. the way i see it... right now.... the only reason he even lives in the same house anymore is because he needs me to survive. i don't support him, but he doesn't make enough (after irs & child support levies) to pay all the bills on his own. plus, he knows he'd have to be paying child support to me too. apparently some collections bitch told him on the phone the other day that if he refused to pay they would go after his wife & file suit to garnish her wages. he told them he was no longer married. well, i appreciate whatever the fuck that was, but it's not like they can't just find that out for themselves. i'm not going down for his b/s.....

and what really sux.... i know for a fact that no matter where i am... here or in texas, with or without him.... i am going to continue to be as fucking miserable as i am right now. no matter what. because i fucked myself good too many years ago, & now it's too late to turn back... oh well. guess i'll just be alone & miserable then.
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Time:11:24 pm
Current Mood:miserable
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything



Yep... that's about how it feels.... & this is going to be the shittiest xmas ever. Some days I just wish I had the guts to cut deeper...

Or to cut him...
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Time:09:34 pm
Current Mood:like an empty, pathetic fool
god, i can't do this. what the hell was i thinking? it's just one class... one! this is the last assignment. i've known about it for weeks. i've had the material. i don't even have to research it, i just have to lay it out in a decent format.... but it must be a 10 page format... i have't even looked at it yet. it's due in less than 24 hours. i hate technical writing. i am bad at it... it disturbs me. it is too nit-picky...

the new term begins one month from tomorrow... if i am not ready to even finish one measly class now, how do i expect to be ready to jump back in full time in just 30 days??? i am seriously considering giving this all up. i mean... my life is so unpredictable. i suck as a mother! i can barely even get things done right at work anymore. my house is a mess. my bills go unpaid, even though i can afford them... i just spend the money without thinking!

i won't have my associates degree by the end of the year like i should. not that i ever really cared about getting one... i just wanted to transfer, but sean said it would be easier to transfer credits that way. i hate pcc.... they aren't offering shit for classes.... but there's nowhere else for me to go, because to transfer to a 4 yr school here means that i have given up on going home. i seriously doubt that i will ever find a way to get home, but i like pretending that i am...

... if i were to ever completely admit to myself that i am stuck here forever i think these cuts would cease to be superficial....

good night
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Time:06:06 pm
for the first time in my life... today i envisioned putting a gun to my own head & pulling the trigger...

& it didn't scare me...

i don't like this place i've entered... yet i'm not sure i want to come back out, either...
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Current Music:Poe ~ Angry Johnny (it's stuck in my head from this morning)
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Subject:This is Jezebel in Hell.....
Time:12:00 pm
Current Mood:tiredlost
I am out of my medication. This is nothing new, as I have a strong tendancy to forget to refill it before I run out completely! Damn frontal lobes & their lousy "executive functioning"...

Anyway... because I typically I forget to refil the Dex, I tend to go a day or two, sometimes even a week, unmedicated... no biggie... there are days when I chose not to take it, even when I have plenty. But, the thing is, I can never predict when I am going to have a completely fucked up ADHD day... ya know?

Just like w/any other illness or disorder, you have good days & bad days. I can go unmedicated for weeks & be ok... or, I can have a day like today, where it's only the 1st day in a long time with no meds & I feel as if the entire world is spinning right along w/out me!!! Like I am just lost in my fog & can't find a way to keep up!

I am at work right now... a few minutes ago, before deciding that a little break might just do me some good, I realized that I had just read the same paragraph of a report I am proofing FOUR times... & I still couldn't tell you a word it said (& not just because of HIPPA laws, either! lol!)... I need to snap out of it. I have a TON of homework to catch up this afternoon... & it must be done today (already over a week past due)!

Looks like I'll be heading out to the pharmacy after getting Bastian from school... speaking of Bastian... I often wonder what it feels like to him. Does he feel the fog, like I do, or just the emotional rollercoaster & that excessively hyper feeling that makes you wanna rip your own skin off... just so that you can have something entertaining to do?!?

See.... we're not always bouncing off the walls.... sometimes it's a huge effort just to move....
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Subject:I can feel it...
Time:02:47 am
Current Mood:moodymoody
More & more lately, I can feel myself slipping. It creeps up on you, ya know? Just a little at a time, then, before you know it you turn around & think, wtf? How the hell did I get here? How did I allow this to happed again?

It is not a full on depression, mind you... I'm not so sure that I am actually capable of going back there again. That was such a long, hard road out of hell... I learned ALOT, & I've learned even more since then. I'm no longer at the mercy of a bunch of pill-pushing, pharmeceutical-pimpin' psychiatrists! I don't need anyone to find out what's wrong with me & fix it... I know & I also know that there is no "fix"... only knowledge... & knowledge shall set me free!

Only one problem with that though... all the knowledge in the world cannot compensate for abnormalities in my brain when I am stressed, nervous, worried, or generally just overworked, rundown & tired! Which seems to be the case more often than not lately!

And now... add something new on top of my retarded frontal lobes... PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I guess I shouldn't say it like it's a new thing. I became aware of it back around January or so... I just haven't really been dealing with it! I'm not sure I know how to deal with it really! And I'm not sure I want to see a stupid therapist about it... I don't trust them (OK, I know, I know... pretty fucking stupid coming from someone who wants to be one, right? But that's just it... I want to be a good one... one who really does understand!). Besides, as far as I can tell, from seeing it in our clients at work & from all I've read & learned about it in school... it doesn't appear to be something that is very easily "cured"...

Oh well...

Ya know what? Chalk one up to my violent fucking mood swings... cuz I just got pissy (blame the goddam error messages)... so I'm done talking now! It's a stupid fucking entry anyway!

Good-night!
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[icon] ~a fragile dwelling place~
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